The broken pieces of our hearts
by Chia-writes
Summary: '...every single day I look at this phone and i wanna call her...' The one where Alex calls Maggie.


Hey guys!

Ive managed to write some canon again (or as close to canon as i can get, because i havent been watching so i know very little- like seriously dont ask me what a worldkiller is, i could not tell you.) but yeah, i had a lot of feels from the couple of scenes i did watch from the ep. the alex/winn scene- killed me. and kara saying alex deserved 'more' made me want to fight someone.

Anyway, hope you like it:)

xxxxxxxxx

After the bar, Alex goes straight home. Back to her empty apartment. She feels that anger simmer up inside of her at thought. At the reminder of her loneliness. Every damn time she steps foot through the door she feels the same emptiness. It's been months and it's not getting any better.

She pours herself another glass of tequila and slumps down on the couch. Just like she does every night. But tonight it's worse. She's feeling it so much more. All this time she's tried so hard to hide it, reverting back to her old way of pushing everything down. But she can't right now, not after being smacked in the face with the truth of her feelings like she was.

 _You had your chance at happiness and you threw it away._

And it's true. She did. She did this to herself.

She takes her phone out of her pocket and just looks at it for a minute. She still has all the messages they sent to each other when they were together. Still has all their pictures. She could never get rid of them. And most nights she's good at resisting the temptation to look at them, but tonight she can't.

She has always thought she was so strong, above everybody else when it came to controlling her feelings. But she was so naïve. When it comes to Maggie, Alex is reduced to a heartbroken, lonely mess.

She lets out a shaky exhale and scrolls through the pictures and finds one her favourites of Maggie that she took. It was one of Maggie asleep in bed, the day after Alex asked her to marry her. In the picture Maggie looks so peaceful with her hand resting under her cheek. Her hair is covering part of her face and Alex wishes she could just go into the picture and push her hair gently behind her ear.

She feels a sharp ache in her heart and she can't help the tears that well up and the sob that escapes her. She brings her hand to cover her mouth and takes a huge trembling breath to stop the sounds. She knows Kara listens out for her. She's found her like this countless times these past few months. But the last thing Alex wants is for Kara to hear her and come. She doesn't want to see her right now, Kara just doesn't get it, and Alex is tired of trying to explain.

She forces herself to stop crying and wipes her tears with her hands.

She downs the drink and puts the glass on the table. She stays leaning forward and lowers her head into her hands.

Her thoughts go to Maggie. To what she must be doing right now. Where she is. Who she's with. If she has anyone.

She thinks about how long it took for Maggie to open up to her. She wonders whether Maggie could ever find someone else to have that with. Part of her hopes that she does but another part hates the thought of it. It is selfish beyond compare but the thought of Maggie being with someone else- and not even just in the physical way, because Alex knows herself how meaningless that can be. But the thought of Maggie sharing her secrets, her vulnerability, all her quiet intimate moments with another woman, kills Alex.

She looks down at another picture of them together from Winn's birthday party that James had taken. They're leaning into each other, laughing at something Alex can't remember. Maybe it was nothing. Just the happiness of being together. Alex hasn't smiled like that in so long. Maggie's eyes are scrunched up with her laugh, her dimples deep, as she looks lovingly up at Alex.

And Alex's heart has never yearned for something more than to have that back.

She brings up Maggie's name in her contacts, looks at her picture and her thumb hovers over the call button. And before she knows it she's pressed call. She panics for a moment, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. She's not in the right mind to talk to Maggie right now. What will she even say?

She loses her courage on the third ring and ends the call, falling back against the couch will a shaky exhale. Why did she do that?

It's only a couple minutes later and her phone starts ringing on the couch beside her and Alex jumps. She looks down to it and it's Maggie and Alex's heart thumps in her chest.

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what she will say to her if she picks up. But she can't leave the call unanswered. Not when she was the one to call Maggie first. Trembling, she answers the call.

"Alex?" Maggie's voice fills her ears for the first time in months and Alex's eyes close at the sound of it. "You called?" Alex hears the undertone of worry in Maggie's voice and she feels her heart squeeze.

At the sound of her worry, Alex's heart fills with guilt. What is she doing?

"Maggie-" she breathes, and she's struck silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. Maggie is silent too on the other side of the line and Alex panics, shaking her head in her nerves. "Sorry- erm, sorry- that- it-it was an accident." She clenches her fist in frustration at herself. She can't control her stuttering and she knows Maggie can see right through her and she's feels horrible for doing this to her.

Alex hears Maggie let out a low sigh. After a moment Maggie speaks again.

"Okay… I thought…something might be wrong."

Alex stays silent, gathering herself and thinking of the right thing to say but Maggie fills the silence.

"Is everything okay?" And Alex lowers her head at Maggie's question. She knows Maggie is asking if _she's_ okay. It's not as soft as Maggie used to ask her that question, she can tell Maggie is guarded, but it's still full of concern, that concern that she has always had for Alex. And Alex needs to end this call right now because she can feel her emotions coming back up at the simple question.

She tries so hard to keep her voice normal. She gulps away from the phone in case Maggie hears it.

"Yeah- yeah, everything's fine. Sorry for-for disturbing you."

There's an almost imperceptible pause before Maggie replies.

"It's okay."

There's another pause, this one longer, neither knows what to say. And it hurts so much. Maggie breaks it.

"I- I have to get back to work."

"Yeah, yeah, of course."

There's another pause, and every second makes the way things are between them now, cut that much deeper. Alex hears another low sigh come from Maggie.

"Bye." Maggie whispers it and Alex hears a breathiness in it and her eyes squeeze closed at all that she's feeling. Hearing Maggie say that doesn't feel right. It won't ever feel right. And it hurts more than she can say. But she's weak and she's scared and she can't tell her.

"Bye," she gets out and she's sure Maggie hears everything in her voice because she just couldn't hide it in that last word. But Maggie doesn't say anything.

The call disconnects and Alex stares at the phone, hating how things are. Hating how selfish she feels. The guilt and regret are eating at her. She knows Maggie's not going to believe her poor excuse for the phone call. She feels awful. But what could she have said? _I'm sorry, I want kids but I want you more. Please take me back?_ Could she say that? Would Maggie accept that? Not like this. Definitely not like this.

But she can't stop herself from trying to explain herself further. She clutches her phone still, swiping until she finds Maggie's number again. She sends the message before she can think twice about it.

 _Im sorry. I shouldnt have called. It was a drunken mistake._

Her hands shake as she puts the phone out of sight. She doesn't know what she expects Maggie to say. She waits for what feels like hours.

Her phone buzzes five minutes later and Alex is scared to even read it.

 _Its okay_

That's all it says but it makes Alex feel so much. She feels her insides crumble because she knows things are the furthest from okay. Alex knows that Maggie has probably deduced so much from the call and text. And she feels so guilty for feeling some relief that Maggie knows that she's not okay, that Maggie knows that she's still thinking about her. But what good does it do if Alex is too scared to tell Maggie the real truth. What good does it do if Alex is too scared that Maggie won't take her back. What good does it do other than open up their pain again.

She doesn't know if it's possible for them to put back the pieces of their broken hearts. She doesn't even know if she deserves it.

The thought has her sobs returning in full force, and this time she doesn't even have the energy to hide them. Her head falls down into her hands again and she lets everything out.

She doesn't hear the call of her name or the door opening, she just feels Kara's strong arms come cradle her against her.

"Alex…"

Alex resists a little against her, shaking her head. "Don't-" she hiccups around the word, "don't tell me everything's going to be okay."

Kara shushes her, keeping her against her and Alex lets herself clutch her sister.

Kara's eyes fall to the coffee table where Alex's phone is still open to her messages. And Kara doesn't mean to read it, but she sees the last two messages to Maggie and she lets out a heavy sigh and squeezes Alex tighter, the realisation dawning on her. Alex is nowhere near getting over Maggie, even after all this time. Rather than see Alex slowly getting better, Kara's just seen her fall into a deeper slump. And this is the worst she's ever seen her.

She wants to make this better for Alex. She wishes she could just take away her pain, but she doesn't know how. She's been trying to tell Alex that things will get better and that she will find someone else, but seeing her like this again, Kara's not so sure anymore. And that thought scares her. It has her heart breaking for Alex. Because she knows how impossible things must seem for Alex right now.

For now she just lets Alex cry against her.

She leaves that talk for another day.

xxxxxx

when is maggie coming back, i cant take anymore:(:(

#SANVERSENDGAME 3


End file.
